forty one candles

Tuesday, November 23rd – my birthday

The holidays are typically a tough time for me and for thousands of other people too. I have a birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years all bundled together. None of which were typically very happy growing up. I think it hit me all in one day though, because I am totally sapped today as I’m writing this. I’m dreading filling up another bag of trash or another box to go to the Goodwill. I usually find pleasure in purging, not today. Today I just want to feel warm and fuzzy, and special.  

I worked all night clearing out the damn pantry and some of the kitchen cupboards and then I relaxed for an hour watching one of my favorite late night shows, Criminal Minds. I finally stumbled my tired butt to bed about midnite and prepared myself mentally for today, my 41st birthday. Ever have one of those birthdays that felt something like a scene out of a movie, “Sixteen Candles” perhaps? Where everyone you love and care about was so caught up in the their own stuff they forgot it was your special day? Hmmm, that’s precisely what today was like. Gramma, I can let off the hook cause she’s old and doesn’t remember where she put her glasses (usually on her face) and my mom for whatever reason has hardly remembered my birthday (on my birthday) for well over 10years. The other party that forgot, well there better be some sweet deal coming my way later, cause aren’t boyfriends subject to a special “honey” clause when it comes to Birthdays, Valentines Day and Christmas…? Just asking.

So I made it out to get my grande latte this morning and almost busted my kisser on the icy driveway, and the parking lots running to and fro! I never realized how everything could turn into a skating rink with just a smidgy bit of snow! It was especially fun trying to pry open the car door that was frozen shut! Anywho, I made my way to Starbucks and then to Michaels for a couple of things and back to work at the house. The chimney sweep came and got the wood burning stove all sorted out while I worked on the pantry some more. Its’ too dang cold out there to work right now and I’ve come to the conclusion that the only thing I may accomplish out there on this trip is clearing out the pantry and breaking down the excess of empty boxes that were launched into space. And maybe I’ll even toss out all the old canned goods, plastic and glass crap that’s hoarding all the shelves and floor space.  

In between Facebook messages and a couple of short phone calls I’ve had a pity party about being alone on my birthday and having to work so hard on this disaster by myself. I’ve felt the tears well up in my eyes a few times but I’ve managed to suck it up. I can hear someone telling me to stop being so stubborn and to relax the rest of the day, but this has to get done, it can’t clean itself, and I guess it might as well be me doing it. When I told Danny last night about all the work I’ve been doing and the impending work ahead of me, even after I get home…he said that I was doing a lot, and that I could handle a lot, but how much more? Honestly…it’s starting to wear on me. I’m tired, physically and emotionally. But who else would step up to this? And how much longer could it possible wait? I mean seriously…it’s been waiting for years sure but it was out of freaking control. Surely the garage can wait another few months though, right?  

For now I’ve decided to put something in the crock pot, pick up this mornings scattered mess and work on my centerpiece for my Christmas Brunch at church. Maybe I’ll even get a bottle of wine, and then I can boohoo and whine about how I’ll have to buy myself a cake with 41 candles on it … and eat it alone.

Aloma

Relax. Breathe. Focus.

Tomorrow…I’ll be happy I’m one day closer to done.

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